Canterlot ist Krieg (Chapter 9)

“Pay up $100 in cash, slipped under the front door of the following address by tomorrow evening, or else all the attachments on this message will go viral:

666 Lillehammer Lane
Canterlot, USA

P.S: You have no idea how many loads I shot over these attachments. Prepare for utter humiliation.

“Pfft!” Rainbow Dash scoffed as she read this e-mail. This has got to be some really stupid and pointless spam! Wonder what sort of retarded crap this joker attached, anyway...

“WHAT THE @%&#!!!”

That was when she saw them. The topless guitar pictures and videos she had made of herself. Every single, complete image of her, her guitar and her B-cup breasts were there, in crisp, clear high definition. And she hadn't even put them online – at least, she didn't even remember doing so. Her breasts were meant only for the eyes of Soarin' – a freshman at Cloudsdale University on whom she'd had a long-standing crush – and yet someone, somehow, managed to get their hands on them. And she hadn't even put them out online, nor did she have any intention to do so!

“What do I do now?” Rainbow Dash asked herself frantically, her cheeks warming up. “What the hell do I do now?!? I don't even have $100 on me!”

For what seemed like an eternity, she paced back and forth across the porch, trying to think of a solution. She was initially hoping not to get her friends involved, but after a few minutes, she realized that there was no other way. She hadn't the resources to handle this dilemma by herself and she was too ashamed to consult her parents.

“Everyone here meet me at my place ASAP! I'm in major trouble and I need your help badly!”

She hit “Send,” certainly not looking forward to what the girls would think about the nature of the mess she'd wound up in...

In a matter of a few minutes, the entire gang had arrived at Rainbow Dash's front porch, all of them panting heavily to catch their breath. “We all got yer text,” Applejack panted. “Now tell us what 'n tarnation is goin' on, already!”

“Okay,” Rainbow Dash said as she drew in a breath. “I'll just be blunt; someone, I don't know whom... well, they got some pictures of mine, and-”

“Ooh! Ooh! Were they cute pictures?” Pinkie Pie perked up.

“No, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash broke in before the party girl could go on one of her cheery rants. “Actually, well... How should I put this? They were... risque, provocative, uh... suggestive...” She stopped herself abruptly, wondering where she learned that expansion of vocabulary.

“Dashie, I can't believe you would take those kinds of pictures! I think this guy taking them, whoever he is, is the universe's way of telling you that what you did was wrong.”

“Oh yeah, sure, blame the victim. Right you are, Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash sarcastically scoffed.

“Uh... well, I don't know if this will help,” Sunset says uneasily, “but do you remember the sender's address?”

“Something along the lines of 'black metal up your rectum,' or something like that,” Rainbow Dash shrugged.

“What?!? Let me see!” Before Rainbow Dash could refuse, Twilight snatched her phone out from her hand and pulled up the e-mail in question. Sure enough, there it was. The return address was exactly what Rainbow Dash said it was; “blackmetalupyourrectum@gmail.com.”

“I knew it!” Twilight raged through her teeth. “Hest did it!! That BASTARD!!!”

“Um... are you sure?” squeaked Fluttershy.

“Black metal up your rectum, get it?!?” exclaimed Twilight “Oh, and here are the pictures.”

Twilight showed everyone the pictures and the videos; the others originally weren't willing to believe it,  but sure enough, they could see her breasts in every one of the images. Surely, it wasn't characteristic of someone as tough-minded as Rainbow Dash to stoop to such lowly, suggestive behavior!

“Well, I think the more pressing question here,” Rarity broke in, “is why would you even take those photos of yourself in the first place, darling?”

“Uh, w-w-well,” Rainbow Dash stammered as all her friends stared daggers through her. “Y-you see, the thing is, uh... I, uh, kinda like this guy-”

“Ooh, I knew you'd fallen for Soarin'!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!”

“Alright, easy, Pinkie,” urged Sunset. “I think the rest is self-explanatory. What we need to do now is find a way to take Hest Endetarm and his goons down a peg.”

Again, Pinkie Pie was the first to speak up. “Battle of the Bands! Battle of the Bands!” she cheered. “We both have bands, and the music we do is way more popular than theirs, and what better way to beat an enemy than with music? Right? Right?”

“That's... actually a very good idea, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash beamed. “You're absolutely right. Plus, I'll get to show those losers just how much better I am at guitar than they are. It's perfect!”

“Hey, no one's a better guitar player than Flash Sentry!” Sunset growled. “Hear me? No one!”

“Oh, shut up, Sunset!” Twilight snapped. “Besides, you're forgetting that what we're trying to do here is get rid of Hest; as in, put him behind bars where he belongs.”

“Maybe we could just get him deported back to Norway...?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Aw, please!” Rarity scoffed. “That wouldn't be a punishment at all; Norway has the highest standard of living in the world... and their prison cells are like hotel rooms! Seriously!”

“Well, Norway does have really high taxes,” Applejack explained. “That's probab'ly why they came here; to evade those darn taxes.”

“I think that's exactly why they came here, Applejack,” Twilight replied ominously. “But either way, regardless of what country it's in, Hest really is better off behind bars. Personally, I'd prefer that they detain them here in America, where criminals actually get their comeuppance... Whatever we do, we can't be straightforward about it. Hest may not be the smartest guy, but he's really mean enough, cunning enough, and manipulative enough. If he figured out we were onto him, he'd surely find a way to weasel himself out of it.

"That's where this Battle of the Bands comes into play. We'll pass it off as just a friendly competition between two bands with differing tastes in music; that's something I'm sure the guys in Bronycorpse will really dig. Hest will let his guard down, which would distract him from our moves, and hopefully lead him to forget about blackmailing anyone anymore. It's perfect!”

“Hopefully...” Rainbow Dash shivered, afraid to even think about what would happen if those pictures did indeed go viral...

“There's just one thing, darling,” Rarity chipped in. “If this whole thing really is going to be a big ruse to defeat Hest and get him in jail, then just how exactly are we going to get the police involved. More importantly, where are we going to find an audience? We need an audience to rule in favor of us, you know!”

“Actually, it just came to me,” Twilight grinned. “It could be part Musical Showcase, part Battle of the Bands! It'd be run by our school, and held at the Canterlot Concert Hall downtown. That's where our audience would come from. The Musical Showcase would be the side show, so to speak, with numerous opening acts from school, and maybe from around town, as well. Then the Battle of the Bands between Bronycorpse and The Rainbooms would be the headliner, of course. And knowing how much more popular our brand of music is than theirs, as Pinkie Pie pointed out, we'd win by a landslide!”

“Well, I certainly would love to beat 'em that way,” Rainbow Dash said. “But what about the whole 'putting Hest in jail' thing, hmm?”

“Unfortunately," sighed Twilight, "we don't have any hard evidence of when he set the raccoon on Fluttershy.” She face beamed almost instantly as another thought struck her. “But I have the evidence of his family's tax evasion, and you, Rainbow Dash, have the evidence of his blackmail attempts on you, which I think might also qualify as sexual harassment... Sometime this week, you'll go to the police with those candid pics and videos, and I'll go to them with the bank statements. We should preferably do that sometime early this week; it'll take them some time to get their arrest warrant put together.”

“Err, well how exactly are we gonna get the school to set this whole thing up?” Applejack asked. “Have ya thought o' that?”

“Well I do know that Principals Celestia and Luna do love music,” Twilight answered, “so I'll just talk to them about it; they should jump on the idea. And after what happened last time a certain band performed at the school, I think they'll be keen on holding the show away from there.”

“Don't remind me...” Applejack shivered.

“And when do you think this show should be held, exactly?” inquired Sunset.

“Next weekend,” Twilight responded. “Remember, Hest will be suspended from school this coming Monday through Friday; if the show is held during the week, he won't be able to show up, which means neither Bronycorpse nor the cops show up, which means the whole thing will be a bust!

“Oh yeah, and tomorrow is when we should meet Hest and Bronycorpse and talk to them about it. But again, nobody clue them in to the fact that we're onto them, because he will find a way out. Which reminds me; Fluttershy?”

“Um... yeah?”

“I think it's best that you stay home while the rest of us are meeting the band,” Twilight said. “Not only are you still clearly shaken up from what happened yesterday, but if Hest saw that you were still alive, he'd be tipped off for sure, and that'd totally ruin our plans.”

“Any crazy escape plan or Ponzi scheme he'd come up with would likely involve his band getting roped in," added Sunset, "including Flash. So it'd be best if we don't give Hest an excuse to get a head start... for Flashy's sake.”

Twilight glared at Sunset as she said those last words, but quickly pulled back her jealousy. She knew her friend made a point.

“Well we're not gonna meet them at Hest's house, are we?” Pinkie Pie asked urgently. “'Cause that place is so creepy, and so not a good place for a party!”

“Actually, I have an idea,” Sunset suggested. “You all know that abandoned house that's just a few blocks away from Flash's place?”

“Uh... yeah,” the other girls all said.

“Well, have any of you realized how, uh, noisy that place is for being abandoned?”

This led the other girls into deep thought. It was true; that house was pretty noisy for a place that was abandoned. But why, exactly...?

“You mean...” Rainbow Dash spoke up.

“Precisely!” Sunset exclaimed. “I have no doubt that Bronycorpse is using that house as their rehearsal space. But I think it's best that we all not meet right in front of that house; that way they don't get suspicious. You know the fire hydrant that's about halfway in between Flash's house and the abandoned house? Well, we'll meet there at 11:00 tomorrow morning; from what I've heard, the band is sure to be rehearsing then. Once we're all together at the hydrant, we'll head to the house together and confront them there. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” everyone replied in unison. So, with their plans in place, and thus with nothing more to discuss, Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack and Rarity all exchanged hugs and dispersed, each one of them absolutely raring to set this grand play in motion...

---

By tomorrow morning, Sunset was the first to arrive at the fire hydrant, at 10:55 AM. She did not have to wait much longer; by 11 AM, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rarity were all gathered at the hydrant.

“Alright, everybody ready?” Sunset asked, to which the others all nodded.

“Cool. I'll lead the way.” And with that, Sunset walked forward, the other girls tagging along from behind. Sure enough, just two blocks up the street, exactly where Sunset said it was, was the abandoned house. It was indeed, very old and dilapidated, and there was, indeed, very ghastly sounds coming from behind the closed garage door; if what Sunset said about this place was true, then there'd be no denying what those sounds were...

“Alright girls, let's do this,” said Sunset as she led the girls up to the garage door. When they got there, Sunset gripped the bottom edge of the door and lifted with all of her might. Sure enough, with minimal trouble on Sunset's part, the door was lifted all the way up. And there, in the garage that looked more like a Satanic altar, was Bronycorpse in the flesh – rhythm guitarist Satanik Pervertor, bassist Tartarus, drummer Discordia, lead guitarist Flash Sentry and vocalist Hest Endetarm. They had just finished up their song “The Four Horsemen of Hate,” and they were quite startled to see that they had been barged in on, but they very quickly recognized the intruders;

“Hey girls, what's up?” Flash greeted them.

“Whats in the names of helvete is de meanings of dis?!?” Hest demanded. “Do yous not knows how rudes it is to just barge ins on a bands when they're practicings?”

“Actually it's good that you guys are practicing,” Twilight smiled innocently, “because we just so happen to have a proposition for you.”

“What kinds of prospositions?” Hest asked. As he did so, he took notice of the fact that Fluttershy wasn't there; it was obvious to him that she was, indeed, dead. Yet none of her friends were showing signs of grief – then again, she was only the tambourine player, after all. And the tambourine's not even a real instrument, anyway...

“We were thinking,” Twilight explained, “just a friendly competition between your band and my band. I know and you know that are musical genres are always at war with each other, so maybe this friendly competition will get us both some closure, and hopefully some good fun! What do you think of that, hmm?”

“You mean likes a Battles of the Band?”

“Exactly.”

After giving the matter a mere second of thought, Hest signaled the Rainbooms the wait, and then made a signal to his bandmates, which led to Bronycorpse all huddling up together; it was clear that Hest had a plan of his own;

“Dis is perfects, you guy,” Hest said to them. “Assumings dat dere'll bes an audience, dis'll be the perfects opportunsity to show everyones just hows much betters we are than them!”

“Uh, I'm not sure that the majority of them would agree,” Pervertor replied uneasily. “Our music is not at all mainstream, you know; in fact, that's the very thing it seeks to steer clear of.”

“Well anyone that doesn't like it will likely be running out the door terrified,” Tartarus smirked. “That's how we'll know we've done well.”

“Well, either way, we'll be doing what we do best,” affirmed Discordia, “and that's playing the most grim, raw, necro black metal imaginable!”

“I just think merely playing the music will be fun that's all,” Flash shrugged with a smile. “But then again, what's the point of playing music if you're not having fun doing it? Right?”

“You're rights,” Hest nodded. “You're alls right, in fact. Ands I just cames up with a killers idea...!”

In no time, Bronycorpse broke their huddle. Hest turned to The Rainbooms and said, “We have decidsded, Rainboom, tos accept your challenge, but onlys under ones condition; we tinks that, in orders to level the playings field, sos to speak, our littles 'battle' should be black metal vs. black metal!”

“Are you serious?” exclaimed Sunset. Instantly realizing what a stupid question that was, she gave an exasperated look. “You're serious, aren't you?”

“I'ms dead serious!” replied Hest. “Yous do blacks metal, or yous get disqualsifieds! Really, the onlys way yous chump will be ables to beats us anysway is with black metals more raws and brutal thans ours, not dat dere such a ting. And beside, whats better way to beats someone dan at deirs own games, right? But seriously, eithers you play black metal ins our battle, or yous play nothings and get disqualsifieds. Dis is nons-negotiable! Agreeds?”

Most of The Rainbooms looked at each other incredulously, unsure of how they'd stand a chance with this stipulation imposed. But then Rainbow Dash stood and said boldly, “Agreed! And may the best band win.”

“Oh, wes intend tos,” Hest smirked. “Now gets the helvete outs of here!” And he reached up and closed the garage door, laughing maniacally as his came down; he obviously thought that he and his band would have an easy victory. Surely, no one like The Rainbooms could do anything even remotely close to traditional heavy metal, much less black metal!

Once the Rainbooms were well out of earshot, Rainbow Dash prepared for whatever criticism the others had for her. Sure, what she just did was crazy, but surely not as much as sending topless pics and videos of herself to a potential crush. She'd understood that much.

“Rainbow Dash, have you gone completely mad?!?” snapped Rarity. “We're not going to be able to stand a chance now!”

“Oh, I think we will,” Rainbow Dash smiled to her friends and bandmates. “We have the musical skill to do any kind of music, including black metal! And Hest said it himself; what better way to beat them than at their own game! Right?”

Sunset, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rarity looked at each other for a few moments. They couldn't help but agree, even though they were unsure of their own abilities to even approach music as dark, evil and chaotic as black metal. Nonetheless, they all knew that the only way that they would stand a chance at taking Hest down was by standing up to the challenge, in spite of the new, super-steep slope that had just risen in front of them. And somewhere in each and every one of them, they knew that somehow, in some way, even if the audience didn't vote for them and Bronycorpse won the battle, the Rainbooms would ultimately win the war, and Hest would lose it...