Now, the NASCAR Cartoon Cup Series is at one of, if not the most important, prestigious race courses in the entire world; Indianapolis Motor Speedway! Despite earning its reputation as the mother of all IndyCar racing venues, NASCAR has run here since the year 1994. Now, cartoon characters will take to the Brickyard in the event known as the Crown Royal 400!
The actual track itself is a 2.5-mile rectangular oval; there are 1/8-mile long "short chutes" between turns 1 &2, and turns 3 & 4. The turns are all banked at 9 degrees each, while the straights aren't banked at all.
The race will be 400 miles over 160 laps. There are some clouds out, but it's still sunny, and no rain is expected, so no worries!
Hoagie P. Gilligan
Blooregard Q. Kazoo
All of the races from here to the end of the season will be broadcast on ESPN; take it away, guys...
Allen Bestwick: Hello race fans, and thanks for tuning in to NASCAR on ESPN! We'll be covering the series for the rest of the season, and today, the NASCAR Cartoon Cup Series is at the famed Indianapolis Motor Speedway, where our beloved cartoon characters will battle for glory in the Crown Royal 400! Hello again everyone, Allen Bestwick alongside Dale Jarrett and Andy Petree, thanks for joining us.
Jarrett: Allen, at this point, we're just over halfway through the season, and often this is around where tensions start to pick up. In fact, the best example would be Rainbow Dash, who's on probation for that helmet-throwing incident with Eric Cartman at New Hampshire.
Petree: Actually Dale, all of the Joe Gibbs Racing ponies have a history of harsh behavior. All I'll say is you may recall back at Pocono, when they released that statement saying that they'd tolerate and love their fellow drivers. So far, they haven't really upheld that.
Bestwick: I think while we're at it, guys, right now, the top 25 drivers are separated by just 100 points!
Jarrett: Well that's largely because all the drivers have had ups and downs, not just a few. But this really is one hell of a points race we have brewin'.
Petree: 25 drivers only 100 points apart, halfway through the season. Take that, Sprint Cup!
Bestwick: Yes, well, let's now go trackside for the command;
Track Announcer: Race fans, it's now time for those most famous words in motorsports! Here to give the command, please welcome Jedi Padawan, Ahsoka Tano!
Ahsoka: Ladies and gentletoons, start your engines, and may the Force be with you!
And once again, 43 automotive beasts start their 865 hp engines. They take some time to warm up, and then roll out following the lead of the pace car.
Bestwick: Now that the cars are rolling, let's see how they've lined up; the animated sponge, Spongebob SquarePants is on pole, the British-born Ferb Fletcher is in 2nd. In 3rd place is another British character Nigel Uno, and in 4th is the death metal bassist William Murderface. The pony Twilight Sparkle starts 5th, and in 6th place is Butt-Head. In 7th spot is Timmy Turner, and in 8th is the triangle-headed Phineas Flynn. In 9th spot is the box of French fries, Frylock, and rounding out the top 10 is Stan Smith. As you look through the rest of the grid, Dale Jarrett will be on the radio;
Jarrett: Peter Griffin, it's Dale Jarrett from ESPN, you got me?
Peter: Loud and clear, Dale.
Jarrett: How's it feel leading the points, big guy?
Peter: Uh, it feels good and all, but then there's that loudmouth Eddy. He's one point behind me, and he hasn't shut up about how he plans to beat me! That kid certainly has another thing comin'!
Jarrett: Well, how do you feel about this race?
Peter: As long as I still have the points lead, I'm happy. And I think we can do that, even though we're starting 25th.
Jarrett: Well, good luck with that out there.
Peter: Thanks, Dale.
Bestwick: Okay, now let's get some stuff from our pit reporters. Dr. Jerry Punch?
Dr. Punch: Allen, Rainbow Dash is currently back in 15th in points, starting back in 22nd, and is even on probation for her helmet throw on Eric Cartman. Perhaps all of this has quieted and subdued her, and maybe she won't be quite as aggressive. Dave Burns?
Burns: Doc, Eric Cartman may have had a couple run-ins with Rainbow Dash, but that doesn't seem to be phasing him today. He's currently 9th in points, starts 11th, and is feeling real confident right now. Jamie Little?
Little: Dave, Eddy is one point out of the lead in the standings, along with a good cushion ahead of 3rd place. He starts 21st, 4 spots ahead of points leader Peter Griffin. He's looking to get back in the lead. Vince Welch?
Welch: Jamie, Beavis has been on a steady rise these last few races. He's now tied with Ed for 3rd in the point standings. Believe it or not however, he still hasn't won a race! So they're looking to change that today. Allen?
Bestwick: Thanks, Vince.
And so the pace car now retreats into pit road. The green flag flies, and the cars accelerate.
Bestwick: Green flag, and we're racing at the Brickyard!
Right at the start, Nigel Uno gets up to 2nd past Ferb Fletcher. Spongebob SquarePants manages to lead the first lap before Nigel passes him to take the lead on lap 2. Ferb Fletcher falls out of the top 5 on lap 8.
William Murderface gets by Spongebob SquarePants on lap 12, and is challenging Nigel Uno for the lead by lap 15. Nigel gets loose in turn 4 on lap on lap 21, allowing Murderface to take the lead.
Meanwhile, on lap 26, Spongebob SquarePants falls out of the top 5.
Then, Nigel Uno reclaims the lead on lap 29. William Murderface gets loose in turn 2 on lap 30, and falls back. Nigel Uno is still in the lead on lap 33 when...
Bestwick: Big trouble!
Jarrett: We have two cars in the wall in turn 3!
Petree: I believe Meatwad and Early Cuyler are in this one.
Bestwick: And caution is out for the first time at Indy.
On lap 33, Meatwad's #56
NAPA Toyota spins in turn 3, clipping the right-rear of Early Cuyler's #21
Motorcraft Ford. Both cars go hard into the outside retaining wall and are totaled. Both drivers get out; they're okay, but Early Cuyler is outraged! He gets out wielding a sawed-off shotgun...
Early Cuyler points the shotgun at Meatwad and fires multiple shots at him. Meatwad frantically runs around dodging the shells as Early continues to shoot at him.
Early: You're dead, bitch!
Meatwad: I-I didn't mean it, I'm sorry!
Despite this, Early continues to shoot at Meatwad until a NASCAR official tasers him. Early goes down, dropping his shotgun as the ultra high voltage knocks out his muscle control. He's lifted up and put in the NASCAR official's SUV and taken into the NASCAR trailer.
Meanwhile, the race has been red-flagged, and the rest of the cars have been stopped on the backstretch. This is because the shots that Early Cuyler fired hit the track surface, breaking up the asphalt and forming potholes. Track crews are dispatched to fill in the holes.
When the potholes are fixed, the race goes from red back to yellow. Katara's #34
Maximum Human Performance Ford, running 1 lap down in 37th gets the free pass.
The field goes into the pits for four tires and fuel. Here will be the top 10 at the restart;
The race restarts on lap 38. William Murderface spins his tires when he hits the gas, enabling Twilight Sparkle to move up to 2nd. She tries to get by Nigel Uno to take the lead, but Nigel manages to hold her off. On lap 44, she starts to fall back.
Timmy Turner gets up to the 2nd spot on lap 47. Two laps later, he's challenging Nigel Uno for the lead. On lap 52 he makes a slingshot move on Nigel going down the back straightaway to take the lead.
On lap 58 Ferb Fletcher falls out of the top 10.
Twilight Sparkle gets up to 2nd on lap 61. She's challenging Timmy Turner for the lead on lap 65 when
Bestwick: We've a crash! Back straightaway!
Petree: Francine Smith's in the wall and on her roof, sliding down the track!
Jarrett: Looks like she blew a tire
Bestwick: Uh ,no, something shot at her from the infield.
On lap 65, something shoots from the infield, hitting and cutting the left-rear tire of Francine Smith's #10
GoDaddy Chevrolet. The total impact is so great that it causes Francine's car to turn sideways and flip over on its roof. It slides a ways down the track, then stops. Miraculously, she gets out unharmed and goes on the mandatory trip to the infield care center.
Jarrett: What do you mean?
Petree: You're saying something shot her tire out?
Bestwick: Uh, guys? Those are Tusken Raiders.
Bestwick: THERE ARE TUSKEN RAIDERS CAMPED OUT IN THE INFIELD!
Jarrett: (gasp) That's impossible!
Petree: You have got to be kidding me!
Jarrett: Wait, haven't we seen these things in a movie somewhere?
Bestwick: They do look like things you'd see in a movie, don't they?
It is discovered that Tusken Raiders, extraterrestrial humanoids thought to only exist on a certain extragalactic desert planet which shall remain nameless, have set up a camp in the infield of the speedway, over by the backstretch. One of them had shot at Francine Smith's car with a sniper rifle, and that's what caused the crash.
Stan: Wait, there are other aliens here?
Roger: Yes! They're the ones who shot out Francine's tire and made her crash!
Stan: Oh my God! Uh, are you gonna do anything?
Roger: No, I'm unarmed! I hope the officials can do something! At least Frannie's okay.
Stan: I know, thank God!
NASCAR officials are sent into the infield of the track, armed with automatic rifles to confront the Tuskens. When the Tusken with the rifle sees them, he points his sniper at them. The officials then open fire on all of the Tuskens, riddling them with bullets that rip through their flesh, skin and organs. In no time, all the Tuskens are dead, and the officials pack their bodies, camping gear and weapons into their SUVs to dispose of them.
Meanwhile, Foxxy Love's #88
Diet Mountain Dew Chevrolet, running 1 lap down in 30th gets the free pass.
The rest of the cars go in for pit stops. The top 10 at the restart will be as follows;
We restart on lap 70.
Bestwick: We have a car off the pace!
Edd: The transmission's discombobulated!
On the lap 70 restart, the transmission on Edd's #29
Jimmy John's Chevrolet goes kaput, and he can't get out of first gear. Edd limps the car around the track, onto pit road, and into the garage.
On lap 77, we have a new leader. Frylock, who restarted in 4th, gets around Timmy Turner to take the lead for the first time in this race. On lap 82, Butt-Head gets back into the top 10.
On lap 86, Twilight Sparkle falls out of the top 5.
On lap 89, Nigel Uno gets back into 2nd, and then on lap 90 gets by Frylock to take the lead back. For several laps, Frylock tries extremely hard to take the lead back, but Nigel holds him off. On lap 95, Frylock falls back.
On lap 100
Bestwick: Smoke! Backstretch!
Abigail: We'vve blown up, goddammit!
Kuki: Urrgh! (pounds fist)
On lap 100, Abigail Lincoln's #5
Farmers Insurance Chevrolet blows its engine. The caution flag flies as Abigail coasts her car onto pit road and into the garage, and her day is done.
Gumball Waterson's #87
AM FM Energy Toyota, running 1 lap down in 27th gets the free pass.
Once more, the cars go into the pits for service. This then, will be the top 10 at the restart.
The race is restarted once again, this time on lap 104. For the moment, Nigel Uno retains the lead. On lap 108, Spongebob SquarePants falls out of the top 10.
Then on lap 110, Kenny McCormick cracks the top 10.
The next lead change occurs on lap 111; Stan Smith, who restarted in 4th, gets by Nigel Uno for the lead. On lap 114, Bender, who started in 5th, moves up into 2nd. Stan Smith loses the lead to Bender on lap 120.
The two continue to fight each other, with Stan Smith regaining the lead on lap 122. On lap 127, Eric Cartman gets into the top 5.
On lap 130
Bestwick: Trouble in turn 1!
Jarrett: Butt-Head has crashed!
Petree: He and Ferb Fletcher!
Bestwick: Caution is out.
On lap 130, Ferb Fletcher's #9
DeWalt Ford is clipped in the right-rear by Butt-Head's #48
Lowe's Chevrolet, which is then also clipped in the right-rear by Homer Simpson's #83
Burger King Toyota. Homer gets through unharmed, but Ferb and Butt-Head have both gone head-on into the wall and can't get going again. The two drivers get out of their wrecked machines unharmed and exchange a few words;
Butt-Head: You're stupid!
Ferb: You're the one who's stupid!
Butt-Head: Why you..!
At this point, NASCAR officials break it up before any violence erupts, and both drivers are taken on the mandatory trip to the infield care center.
Dudley Puppy's #99
Subway Ford, running 1 lap down in 25th gets the free pass.
The other cars make their last pit stops at the race. This will be the top 10 at the restart;
We restart on lap 134. Stan Smith gets a great start and pulls away from the field. On lap 142, Eric Cartman is up to 3rd. At the same time, Kenny McCormick cracks the top 5.
Cartman gets by Bender for 2nd on lap 144, and on lap 148 Kenny moves up into 3rd.
Both Cartman and Kenny want to catch Stan Smith, but Stan just keeps building his lead. When the white flag comes out on lap 160, he is ahead by a good few seconds over Cartman and Kenny. But then
Bestwick: Going through the last turn
Jarrett: Stan Smith's in the wall!
Petree: Can he make it to the checkered?
Going through the final turn, Stan Smith goes a bit wide to pass a lapped car, but can't handle the different route, and his #36
Ollie's Bargain Outlet Chevrolet smacks into the wall exiting the turn. He continues to the checkered flag, but his efforts are in vain. Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick get by him before he gets there.
Bestwick: Eric Cartman wins at the Brickyard!
Cartman: Yes, I won! Suck it, bitches!
Kyle: Awesome, dude!
Stan: Goddammit! Damn lapped car can't make way, shit!
Eric Cartman wins the Crown Royal 400. His teammate Kenny McCormick finished 2nd, giving Stewart-Haas Racing a 1-2 finish. Stan Smith settles for 3rd, Bender takes 4th, Frylock gets 5th, Timmy Turner takes 6th, Nigel Uno comes in 7th, Spongebob SquarePants claims 8th, William Murderface places 9th, and Phineas Flynn rounds out the top 10.
Eric Cartman does his victory lap, and is then in Victory Lane amidst showers of champagne and confetti. He celebrates, takes a swig of champagne, and Dr. Jerry Punch moves in for the interview.
Dr. Punch: Eric Cartman, you've finally won; congratulations! How ya feelin'?
Cartman: I'm just glad I finally won, really. And it's so awesome that my first win is here at Indianapolis! Yeah, and if it weren't for that lapped car, I don't think it would've happened.
Dr. Punch: So you're acknowledging the opinion that you got lucky?
Cartman: Maybe, but who cares? I needed the win! And maybe I'd still be leading the points if we hadn't blown up back at Kentucky.
Dr. Punch: You're really feelin' more confident after this win, huh?
Cartman: Hell yeah!
Dr. Punch: Well great job out there.
Cartman: Whatever, man.
Dr. Punch: Allen?
Bestwick: Thanks, Doc. Now let's look at the results;
And here's how our cartoon characters finished the Crown Royal 400;
Hoagie P. Gilligan
Katara (1 lap down)
Hank Hill (1 lap down)
Gumball Waterson (1 lap down)
Blooregard Q. Kazoo (1 lap down)
Chowder (1 lap down)
Foxxy Love (1 lap down)
Sokka (2 laps down)
Ben Tennyson (2 laps down)
Kim Possible (2 laps down)
Alejandro (2 laps down)
Flapjack (3 laps down)
Ferb Fletcher (DNF; accident)
Butt-Head (DNF; accident)
Abigail Lincoln (DNF; engine)
Edd (DNF; transmission)
Francine Smith (DNF; accident)
Early Cuyler (DNF; accident)
Meatwad (DNF; accident)
Bestwick: And here are your point standings;
Here are the current point standings after 20 of 36 races;
Eric Cartman; 540 points
Peter Griffin; 537 points
Eddy; 535 points
Master Shake; 534 points
Danny Phantom/Ed; 533 points
Beavis; 529 points
Homer Simpson; 528 points
Nigel Uno; 527 points
Phineas Flynn; 525 points
Hoagie P. Gilligan; 522 points
Frylock; 512 points
Rainbow Dash; 507 points
William Murderface; 500 points
Timmy Turner; 499 points
Abigail Lincoln; 488 points
Edd/Meatwad; 481 points
Butt-Head; 471 points
Stan Smith; 468 points
Spongebob SquarePants; 463 points
Bender/Ferb Fletcher; 457 points
Early Cuyler/Aang; 441 points
Francine Smith; 440 points
Dudley Puppy/Gumball Waterson; 428 points
Twilight Sparkle; 409 points
Foxxy Love; 389 points
Grim; 382 points
Katara; 334 points
Alejandro; 331 points
Blooregard Q. Kazoo; 328 points
Sokka; 315 points
Flapjack; 310 points
Chowder; 309 points
Kim Possible; 307 points
Hank Hill; 305 points
The Warden; 304 points
Applejack; 292 points
Ben Tennyson; 278 points
Kenny McCormick; 274 points
Bestwick: Join us next time as the NASCAR Cartoon Cup Series heads back to Pocono for the Pennsylvania 400. With Dale Jarrett and Andy Petree, I'm Allen Bestwick. Thanks for watching, folks!
You know, I forgot to mention that this is the second most prestigious NASCAR race, behind only the Daytona 500. And the fat boy from South Park not only got his first win here, but he also reclaimed the point standings! Who would've thought? So, I'll be seeing you at Pocono!