NCCS 3: Cheez-It 355 at the Glen

Coming off of Eric Cartman's fatal wreck at Pocono Raceway, the NASCAR Cartoon Cup Series is now at the Finger Lakes of upstate New York, at one of NASCAR's two only road courses on the circuit; Watkins Glen International.

The track layout, measuring at a distance of 2.45 miles in length, is as such; after a reasonably long pit straight comes turn 1 - a very sharp 90 degree right-hander. Shortly thereafter comes the long, sweeping right-left-right chicane that makes up turns 2, 3 & 4. This leads onto the backstretch, which is punctuated by a very tight right-left-left-right chicane known as the "inner loop" or "bus stop;" this makes up turns 5, 6, 7 & 8. Right after this is the long 180-degree right-hander that makes up turn 9, otherwise known as the "outer loop." This segues into a medium-length straightaway, which in turn leads into turn 10; a 90-degree left-hander. One more medium-length straightaway after this leads into turn 11; a 90-degree right-hander which leads back onto the pit straight and into a new lap.

This race, the Cheez-It 355 at the Glen, will be run over 90 laps, for a total distance of 354.86 kilometers - that is, 220.5 miles.

Starting grid;

1. Groundskeeper Willie (#14)*
2. Applejack (#18)
3. Grim (#40)
4. Danny Phantom (#16)
5. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
6. Kenny McCormick (#41)
7. Dudley Puppy (#99)
8. Master Shake (#55)
9. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
10. Peter Griffin (#23)
11. Angelica Pickles (#22)*
12. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
13. Beavis (#27)
14. Phineas Flynn (#43)
15. Homer Simpson (#83)
16. Nigel Uno (#1)
17. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
18. Edd (#48)
19. Frylock (#15)
20. Daria Morgendorffer (#31)
21. Rainbow Dash (#20)
22. Ahsoka Tano (#42)
23. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
24. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
25. Ed (#27)
26. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
27. Timmy Turner (#17)
28. Ben Tennyson (#10)
29. Eddy (#88)
30. William Murderface (#47)
31. Fry [R] (#26)
32. Stan Smith (#7)
33. Bender (#30)
34. The Warden (#32)
35. Francine Smith (#36)
36. Hank Hill (#98)
37. Meatwad (#66)
38. Early Cuyler (#77)
39. Katara (#38)
40. Aang (#34)
41. Kim Possible (#51)
42. Jake Long (#13)
43. Sokka (#35)

(* - Following Eric Cartman's fatal accident, Groundskeeper Willie will take over the #14 Bass Pro Shops Chevrolet for the remainder of the season;Angelica Pickles, meanwhile, will take over the #22 Shell/Pennzoil Ford while her cousin Tommy deals with his "killer's remorse...")

Right as the green flag waves, Groundskeeper Willie ends up spinning his tires, allowing Applejack to get into the lead and Grim to move up to 2nd.

Willie: Stupid car! Why don't ye go back to hell, where I know ye're from?!?

Meanwhile, on lap 4, Danny Phantom falls out of the top 5.

Then, by lap 9, as they go through the bus stop chicane, Grim takes notice of the fact that Groundskeeper Willie is crawling up his tailpipe.

Grim: What do I do, mon?

Earnhardt: Ah, this guy's just a relief driver; likely inexperienced. I say don't worry about 'im right now.

Grim: Alright, gotcha.

For a number of laps, Grim runs his line smoothly, and manages to easily keep the groundskeeper at bay. But then, on lap 14, Grim brakes too late going into turn 1, running really wide and almost going into the grass, allowing Willie to easily move up into 2nd place.

Willie: HA! With that kind of driving, the only thing he'll be reaping is his own car's soul!

On lap 18, Peter Griffin falls out of the top 10.

Then on lap 23, Abigail Lincoln falls out of the top 5.

By lap 27, a heated battle has emerged... for 21st place. Twilight Sparkle is gunning for the position, and defending the position is none other than her friend and teammate, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash: Is she serious?

Fluttershy: C'mon, Rainbow Dash. I'm sure she wouldn't do it to any of us.

But then, on lap 30, as they enter turn 10, Twilight Sparkle's horn begins to glow...

Rainbow Dash: IS SHE INSANE?!?

Fluttershy: Um... maybe.

Rainbow Dash: Whaddya mean, "maybe?" She just blew up my engine! URRGH!!!

Scootaloo: (facehoof) She NEEDS to get laid...!

On lap 30, the magic cast from Twilight Sparkle's horn detonates the engine of Rainbow Dash's #20 Husky Tools Toyota. What was Rainbow Dash's steel chariot is now little more than a smoking scrap heap. The caution flag is quickly thrown to deal with the oil on the track as Rainbow Dash limps her car into the pits and into her garage, dropping out of the race.

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Applejack (#18)
2. Groundskeeper Willie (#14)
3. Grim (#40)
4. Kenny McCormick (#41)
5. Master Shake (#55)
6. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
7. Danny Phantom (#16)
8. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
9. Dudley Puppy (#99)
10. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)

The race restarts on lap 33.

Spongebob SquarePants falls out of the top 10 on lap 38.

By lap 42, Applejack has her rearview mirror full of the #14 of Groundskeeper Willie. Going into turn 1, Willie tries to outbrake Applejack through the inner line of the turn, but Applejack cuts in front of him as they start to turn in, slamming the door on Willie for the time being.

Willie: Don't start with me, ye horse's arse!

Applejack: Somehow, I got the feelin' ah'm not gonna like this guy much better than Cartman...

Meanwhile, on lap 46, Phineas Flynn makes his way into the top 10.

Then on lap 50, Applejack brakes too late going into turn 9, going well into the outside runoff area, allowing Groundskeeper Willie to easily surge ahead into the lead.

Applejack: Aw, dang it!

Willie: Heh! Maybe if these simpletons drove in a real series like Formula One, they'd actually be worth something!

Meanwhile, on lap 55, Dudley Puppy falls out of the top 10.

At around the same time, our points leader Wally Beatles is in 18th place, desperately trying to hold off the #11 of the raging Twilight Sparkle. For a while, he succeeds. But then on lap 60, as they round turn 11, Twilight Sparkle's horn glows yet again...

Wally: Aw crud! My engine just died!

Chad: Uh, Twilight Sparkle got ya.

Fanny: She REALLY needs to get laid... kinda like you do, Wally.

Wally: Oh, shut up, Fanny!

Yet again, Twilight Sparkle blows up someone's engine; this time that of Wally Beatles's #4 Budweiser Chevrolet. Once again the caution flag flies as Wally's smoking car limps back into the garage area, withdrawing from the race.

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Applejack (#18)
2. Groundskeeper Willie (#14)
3. Grim (#40)
4. Master Shake (#55)
5. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
6. Kenny McCormick (#41)
7. Danny Phantom (#16)
8. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
9. Beavis (#27)
10. Phineas Flynn (#43)

The race is restarted on lap 63; Applejack and Groundskeeper Willie both get the jump on the rest of the pack, leaving them in the dust as they brake into turn 1.

Willie: Arrgh! Somebody needs to throw this horse in the slaughterhouse, already!

Meanwhile, on lap 71, Angelica Pickles moves up into the top 10.

Angelica: Oh, that reminds me; have you guys heard from Tommy?

Dil: Negative - I'm getting worried.

Chuckie: Me too; what if the accident's put Tommy off of racing forever?!?

Angelica: Oh come on, guys, he'll be back in this car soon enough...!

By lap 80, Master Shake has fallen out of the top 5.

...

The white flag flies on lap 90; Applejack leads, with Groundskeeper Willie right on her rear bumper. But then suddenly, going into turn 1, Willie gives Applejack a little tap...

Applejack: AAGH! Son of a bitch, he did that on purpose!

But that little tap is more than enough to send Applejack well into the paved runoff area, allowing Groundskeeper Willie to cruise on ahead into the lead.

Willie: (flips bird) White trash horse's arse...!

While Applejack is able to recover while maintaining 2nd place, Groundskeeper Willie is now too far ahead to catch. Worse still, his final lap around the track is totally flawless with no mistakes whatsoever; thus, the checkered flag flies with Groundskeeper Willie winning the Cheez-It 355 at the Glen.

Willie: YYYYEEAAHH!!!

Though he had raced and won before, he had not actually started any of those races; thus, he wasn't credited with the points and the victories; but having started this race, this is thus made his official NASCAR Cartoon Cup Series debut... and victory.

Naturally, this makes Willie more feral than ever. As he parks his car into Victory Lane, he gets up and stands atop it before the fans at Watkins Glen International, brandishing his shovel and his middle finger for them all to see.

Willie: This win is fer Scotland, ye bone-headed Yanks! Yer drivers can't drive the backside of a cow. MAKE WAY FOR THE SCOTSMEN...!!!

Cheez-It 355 at the Glen race results;

1. Groundskeeper Willie (#14)
2. Applejack (#18)
3. Grim (#40)
4. Danny Phantom (#16)
5. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
6. Kenny McCormick (#41)
7. Master Shake (#55)
8. Phineas Flynn (#43)
9. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
10. Angelica Pickles (#22)
11. Peter Griffin (#23)
12. Dudley Puppy (#99)
13. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
14. Beavis (#27)
15. Edd (#48)
16. Homer Simpson (#83)
17. Nigel Uno (#1)
18. Daria Morgendorffer (#31)
19. Frylock (#15)
20. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
21. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
22. Ed (#24)
23. Timmy Turner (#17)
24. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
25. Eddy (#88)
26. Ben Tennyson (#10)
27. Ahsoka Tano (#42)
28. Sokka (#38)
29. Jake Long (#13)
30. Kim Possible (#51)
31. Aang (#35)
32. Katara (#34)
33. Early Cuyler (#77)
34. Meatwad (#66)
35. Hank Hill (#98)
36. Francine Smith (#36)
37. The Warden (#32)
38. Bender (#30)
39. Stan Smith (#7)
40. Fry [R] (#26)
41. William Murderface (#47)
42. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4) (DNF; engine)
43. Rainbow Dash (#20) (DNF; engine)

Point standings after 22 of 36 races;

1. Phineas Flynn (#43); 603 points
2. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2); 602 points
3. Danny Phantom (#16); 600 points
4. Edd (#48)/Eddy (#88)/Ahsoka Tano (#42); 599 points
7. Homer Simpson (#83)/Kuki Sanban [R] (#3); 597 points
9. Abigail Lincoln (#5)/Peter Griffin (#23)/Nigel Uno (#1)/Daria Morgendorffer (#31)/Ed (#27)/Twilight Sparkle (#11); 596 points
15. Frylock (#15); 595 points
16. Applejack (#18)/Spongebob SquarePants (#78)/Beavis (#27); 594 points
19. Timmy Turner (#17)/Ben Tennyson (#10); 593 points
21. Ferb Fletcher (#9); 591 points
22. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4); 590 points
23. Master Shake (#55); 583 points
24. Rainbow Dash (#20); 580 points
25. Tommy Pickles [R]; 568 points
26. Dudley Puppy (#99); 563 points
27. Kenny McCormick (#41); 526 points
28. Grim (#40); 471 points
29. Eric Cartman (#14); 434 points
30. William Murderface (#47); 357 points
31. Fry [R] (#26); 319 points
32. Stan Smith (#7); 312 points
33. Bender (#30); 299 points
34. The Warden (#32); 297 points
35. Francine Smith (#36); 291 points
36. Hank Hill (#98); 284 points
37. Meatwad (#66); 282 points
38. Early Cuyler (#77); 279 points
39. Katara (#38); 267 points
40. Aang (#34); 263 points
41. Kim Possible (#51); 249 points
42. Jake Long (#13); 238 points
43. Sokka (#35); 236 points
44. Groundskeeper Willie (#14); 47 points
45. Angelica Pickles (#22); 34 points

Cartoon Rookie of the Year standings;

1. Tommy Pickles (#22); 264 points
2. Wallabee Beatles (#4); 254 points
3. Kuki Sanban (#3); 246 points
4. Fry (#26); 189 points

Next race; Pure Michigan 400 at Michigan International Speedway.