NCCS 3: Quicken Loans 400

Michigan International Speedway; quite possibly the fastest course on the entire NASCAR circuit. This is where the Cartoon Cup Series will be racing today, approaching speeds that close in on 210 mph! The track itself is a 2-mile D-shaped oval; ideal for enabling speeds of said magnitude, especially with its turned being banked at 18 degrees. In addition, the frontstretch is banked at 12 degrees and the backstretch is banked at 6 degrees.

This Quicken Loans 400 will be run over 200 laps for a total distance of 400 miles.

Starting grid;

1. Dudley Puppy (#99)
2. Kenny McCormick (#41)
3. Beavis (#27)
4. Eric Cartman (#14)
5. Eddy (#88)
6. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
7. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
8. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
9. Edd (#48)
10. Frylock (#15)
11. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
12. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
13. Danny Phantom (#16)
14. Applejack (#18)
15. Homer Simpson (#83)
16. Timmy Turner (#17)
17. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
18. Ed (#24)
19. Nigel Uno (#1)
20. Daria Morgendorffer (#31)
21. Ben Tennyson (#10)
22. Phineas Flynn (#43)
23. Peter Griffin (#23)
24. Master Shake (#55)
25. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
26. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
27. Ahsoka Tano (#42)
28. Rainbow Dash (#20)
29. Early Cuyler (#77)
30. Meatwad (#66)
31. Hank Hill (#98)
32. The Warden (#32)
33. Francine Smith (#36)
34. Bender (#30)
35. Fry [R] (#26)
36. William Murderface (#47)
37. Stan Smith (#7)
38. Sokka (#35)
39. Jake Long (#13)
40. Katara (#38)
41. Kim Possible (#51)
42. Aang (#34)
43. Grim (#40)

Against everyone's predilections, at the very start of the race, Beavis manages to slingshot around Dudley Puppy and snag the lead.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head! Once I win this race, we're both, like gonna score with Miss Cartoon Cup, heh heh!

Butt-Head: Uhh... yeah. Then we won't, like, be virgins anymore, huh huh huh!

Meanwhile, on lap 7, Wally Beatles makes it up into the top 10.

Then on lap 12, Eric Cartman makes it up to 2nd, gradually roping Beavis in...

Butt-Head: Uhh... that fatass in the #14 is, like, gaining on you, or something.

Beavis: Isn't he, like, that guy who's always trying to kill that one Jewish driver, heh heh?

Butt-Head: Uhh... I think so, huh huh.

Cartman is right on Beavis's rear bumper on lap 19; but Beavis is too stupid to think about doing any defensive driving, so on lap 23, Cartman easily slips by him for the lead.

Kyle: You only got lucky, dude.

Cartman: QUIET! YOU FUCKIN' JEW!!

Eddy makes it up to 3rd on lap 30.

At around the samw time, Early Cuyler finds himself in a quagmire; with neither Rainbow Dash nor Ahsoka Tano able to gain any track position themselves, the two have formed a wall to prevent other cars from sneaking past them. But then...

Early: Eat lead, bitches!

Trouble then strikes on lap 35, when Early draws his sawed-off shotgun and opens fire, blowing out the rear tires on Rainbow Dash's #20 Husky Tools Toyota and Ahsoka's #42 Target Chevrolet. Worse still, this occurs right in between turns 1 & 2, so both Rainbow and Ahsoka's cars are sent spinning wildly out of control, crashing hard into each other and into the outside wall, leaving them both damaged beyond repair and eliminating the two of them both from the race as the caution flag flies.

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Eric Cartman (#14)
2. Beavis (#27)
3. Eddy (#88)
4. Dudley Puppy (#99)
5. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
6. Kenny McCormick (#41)
7. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
8. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
9. Edd (#48)
10. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)

The race restarts on lap 40, with Cartman spinning his tires, allowing Beavis to retake the lead and for Eddy to move up to 2nd place.

Cartman: Stupid fucking car! FUCK!!

But Cartman manages to keep up with Eddy afterwards, and by lap 47 the two of them are both right on Beavis's tail, challenging him viciously for the top spot.

Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis! They're, like, trying to bump you in your rear, huh huh huh!

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head!

Actually, no such bumping is needed, as Eddy manages to sneak by Beavis going down the backstretch on lap 53.

Eddy: That Beavis is such a moron!

Rolf: Stupid is as stupid does, Ed-boy; Rolf would think that you, of all people, would relate to that.

Eddy: Oh shove it, Stretch!

Tommy Pickles moves up to the top 5 on lap 60.

By lap 67, Tommy is up to 4th, closing in on the back bumper of none other than his arch-nemesis, Eric Cartman.

Tommy: Oh great, THIS fatass!

Chuckie: Uh, you know he prefers to be called big-boned, Tommy.

Tommy: He's still fat, and an ass, Chuckie. Period!

Then on lap 73, Tommy strikes; as he closes on Cartman, he clips the right-rear of his #14 Bass Pro Shops Chevrolet as they enter turn 3. The caution flag is immediately thrown out as Cartman's car is spun face-first right into the outside wall, smashing up his engine and leaving his car undriveable.

Cartman: I HATE THAT FUCKIN' KIKE!! FUCK!!!

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Eddy (#88)
2. Beavis (#27)
3. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
4. Kenny McCormick (#41)
5. Dudley Puppy (#99)
6. Edd (#48)
7. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
8. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
9. Frylock (#15)
10. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)

The race is restarted on lap 80, with Eddy easily getting the jump on the rest of the pack, pulling out to a sizeable lead before the end of the lap.

Little does he know that his now arch-nemesis, Edd, has moved up to the top 5 on lap 86.

Edd: Where in Sam Hill is that cheater, anyway?

Jimmy: Um, I think he's leading, Double D.

Edd: Figures. You can't help but ponder what sort of dirty tricks he pulled to get up there...

Meanwhile, on lap 93, Kenny McCormick makes it up to 2nd. But even as he starts to close the gap on Eddy, Beavis stays right on top of him the whole time;

Beavis: Hey Butt-Head! I'm like, bumping this guy in his rear, heh heh!

Butt-Head: That's gay, huh huh huh!

By lap 99, both of them are right on Eddy's rear bumper.

Eddy: Oh great, now I'm being double-teamed!

Rolf: Try "double-crossed" on for size, con man Ed-boy. Now THAT'S something you should relate to!

Kevin: Whatever. Just keep running your car's natural line, dork, and that'll hold them off.

So Eddy takes Kevin's advice, not making any radical or desperate moves on Kevin or Beavis. And sure enough, by lap 104, both Kenny and Beavis start to fall back.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head! I'm like, gonna murder this guy, heh heh!

Butt-Head: That would be cool, huh huh huh!

With that, on lap 110, Beavis clips the right-rear of Kenny McCormick's #41 Haas Automation Chevrolet as they approach the exit of turn 2. Much like his teammate before him, Kenny goes head-on into the outside wall, smashing his front end up even worse than Cartman did, to the point where not even the cockpit survives the blow. This ultimately reduces Kenny to no more than a lifeless husk, and so, as the caution flag flies, track crews are forced to extricate Kenny's motionless body from the wreckage as they clean it up.

Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Eddy (#88)
2. Beavis (#27)
3. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
4. Dudley Puppy (#99)
5. Edd (#48)
6. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
7. Frylock (#15)
8. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
9. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
10. Danny Phantom (#16)

The restart occurs on lap 115.

Tommy Pickles makes it up to 2nd place on lap 122, and is right on Eddy's bumper by lap 128.

Eddy: You know, I'd scam this guy if he weren't such a Jew.

Rolf: That's something I'd expect to hear from fatter-than-my-Nana Cartman-boy!

Meanwhile, on lap 132, Wally Beatles advances up to the top 5.

Back up front, Eddy is doing quite a solid job of holding Tommy off - this is, however, allowing certain other cars to catch up with them; by lap 137, the two of them are joined by none other than Eddy's now arch-rival, Edd.

Edd: I almost wish Tommy would take him out before I do... God, I feel so deplorable for wishing that upon my oldest friend!

Nazz: Don't even worry about that, Double D. Just race these guys like you would anyone else. I'll be here (blows kiss).

Edd: Roger that!

By lap 143, Edd has made it past Tommy Pickles for 2nd place. Then, on lap 148;

Abigail: Oh, you've gotta be freakin' kidding Numbuh 5!

Cree: Just our luck, sis. We'll get 'em next week.

On lap 148, Abigail Lincoln's #5 Farmer's Insurance Chevrolet blows its engine. The officials are forced to throw the caution flag for the plumes of smoke and heaps of oil being leaked out from behind the #5 car, as a disgruntled Abigail parks it in her team's garage, withdrawing from the event.

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Eddy (#88)
2. Edd (#48)
3. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
4. Beavis (#27)
5. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
6. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
7. Dudley Puppy (#99)
8. Frylock (#15)
9. Danny Phantom (#16)
10. Homer Simpson (#83)

On lap 151, the race starts back up once again, with Eddy and Edd getting quite a large head start on the rest of the pack, leaving them in the dust. However, as revealed the very next lap, one of them got too big a head start;

Kevin: Just great, dork! NASCAR's black-flaggin' ya for jumpin' the gun!

Eddy: Oh, that is BULLCRAP!!

Rolf: I told you before, Ed-boy; stupid is as stupid does.

Eddy: Screw you, Stretch!

So with that, Eddy is forced to do a pass-through penalty for jumping on the restart, setting him back many positions, and ultimately putting him 1 lap down. Meanwhile, Tommy Pickles and Beavis both start to run Edd down...

It takes awhile, but by lap 162, Tommy and Beavis are both double-teaming Edd's rear.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head! We're like, bumpin' this guy in his rear, heh heh!

Butt-Head: Uhh... that, like, makes you gay, or something.

Beavis: SHUT UP, DILHOLE!!

But being the pro that he is, Edd handles this situation the same way he always does when someone's trying to put the moves on him; he just keeps on running the natural line to which his car is the most suited. With the clean air on his side, both Beavis and Tommy Pickles end up with more than they bargained for with Edd, and by lap 169, they both start to fall back.

On lap 173, the caution flag comes out for debris on the racetrack, in the form of a piee of suspension that broke off one of the cars and fell off onto the backstretch;

Grim: I can't steer this stupid car, mon!

Mandy: I don't believe this, we've broke down again! UGH!!!

So, with a broken suspension, Grim limps his #40 Little Joe's Autos Chevrolet as best he can into the pits and his team's garage, forced to withdraw from the race.

At the same time, Eddy's #88 Diet Mountain Dew Chevrolet, which had been put a lap down earlier thanks to Eddy jumping the last restart, now gets the free pass and gets back onto the lead lap.

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Edd (#48)
2. Beavis (#27)
3. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
4. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
5. Danny Phantom (#16)
6. Homer Simpson (#83)
7. Frylock (#15)
8. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
9. Dudley Puppy (#99)
10. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)

The race makes yet another restart on lap 176 with roughly 25 laps to go. The top 4 cars - Edd, Beavis, Tommy Pickles and Wally Beatles all pull away to several car lengths ahead of everyone else before the lap is over, leaving the race effectively up to them for the time being.

On lap 182, Beavis blows by Edd to take the lead.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head! I think I'm, like, gonna win, heh heh!

Butt-Head: Cool, then we'll, like, score with Miss Cartoon Cup, huh huh huh!

Then on lap 187, Wally Beatles advances to 3rd place.

Chad: Look at that; you just may win your 2nd race in your rookie season, Wally!

Fanny: Of course, the chances of winning a race are always much greater than those of winning Kuki back.

Wally: Shove it!

By lap 194, Wally has made it up to 2nd.

Wally: I can't believe this dumbarse in front of me is Kuki's teammate...!

...

The white flag flies on lap 200, with Beavis still leading while Wally Beatles, Edd and Tommy Pickles all nip at his heels. They roll through turns 1 & 2 with Beavis still leading. As they blow down the backstretch, Wally tries to make a move on Beavis, but he then suddenly finds himself frantically swerving in front of Edd, trying to keep him from doing the same. Thus, as they enter turn 3, Beavis has opened up a reasonable gap for himself.

Wally: Aw, crud!

By the time they exit turn 4, no one else has anything left for Beavis; the checkered flag flies with him winning the Quicken Loans 400.

Beavis: YES! YES! YES! Kick-ass, heh heh!

Butt-Head: We're like, gonna be scoring tonight, huh huh huh!

So Beavis wins the race, while Edd gets past Wally Beatles for 2nd; Wally places 3rd, and Tommy Pickles is 4th. Homer Simpson comes in 5th, Danny Phantom finishes 6th, Hoagie P. Gilligan gets 7th, Frylock claims 8th, Spongebob SquarePants gets 9th, and Dudley Puppy rounds out the top 10.

But even as Beavis is celebrating amongst the champagne and confetti, there is but one other thing on his low-IQ mind;

Beavis: Hey Butt-Head! We should, like, take the winnings and like, blow 'em on a hooker and score!

Butt-Head: Cool, huh huh huh!

Quicken Loans 400 race results;

1. Beavis (#27)
2. Edd (#48)
3. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
4. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
5. Homer Simpson (#83)
6. Danny Phantom (#16)
7. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
8. Frylock (#15)
9. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
10. Dudley Puppy (#99)
11. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
12. Ed (#27)
13. Daria Morgendorffer (#31)
14. Timmy Turner (#17)
15. Applejack (#18)
16. Nigel Uno (#1)
17. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
18. Peter Griffin (#23)
19. Ben Tennyson (#10)
20. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
21. Master Shake (#55)
22. Phineas Flynn (#43)
23. Eddy (#88)
24. William Murderface (#47) (1 lap down)
25. The Warden (#32) (1 lap down)
26. Jake Long (#13) (1 lap down)
27. Kim Possible (#51) (1 lap down)
28. Hank Hill (#98) (1 lap down)
29. Early Cuyler (#77) (1 lap down)
30. Sokka (#35) (1 lap down)
31. Katara (#38) (1 lap down)
32. Fry [R] (#26) (2 laps down)
33. Bender (#30) (2 laps down)
34. Aang (#35) (2 laps down)
35. Meatwad (#66) (3 laps down)
36. Francine Smith (#36) (3 laps down)
37. Stan Smith (#7) (4 laps down)
38. Grim (#40) (DNF; suspension)
39. Abigail Lincoln (#5) (DNF; engine)
40. Kenny McCormick (#41) (DNF; accident)
41. Eric Cartman (#14) (DNF; accident)
42. Ahsoka Tano (#42) (DNF; accident)
43. Rainbow Dash (#20) (DNF; accident)

Point standings after 15 of 36 races;

1. Homer Simpson (#83); 425 points
2. Daria Morgendorffer (31); 423 points
3. Peter Griffin (#93)/Kuki Sanban [R] (#3); 420 points
5. Ed (#24); 419 points
6. Ben Tennyson (#10); 418 points
7. Edd (#48)/Danny Phantom (#16); 417 points
9. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)/Timmy Turner (#17); 416 points
11. Nigel Uno (#1); 415 points
12. Master Shake (#55); 414 points
13. Frylock (#15)/Spongebob SquarePants (#78); 413 points
15. Ferb Fletcher (#9); 412 points
16. Beavis (#27)/Tommy Pickles [R]/Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)/Phineas Flynn (#43); 410 points
20. Applejack (#18); 408 points
21. Twilight Sparkle (#11); 405 points
22. Abigail Lincoln (#5); 402 points
23. Ahsoka Tano (#42); 399 points
24. Rainbow Dash (#20); 398 points
25. Dudley Puppy (#99); 394 points
26. Eddy (#88); 391 points
27. Eric Cartman (#14); 346 points
28. Kenny McCormick (#41); 305 points
29. Stan Smith (#7); 246 points
30. William Murderface (#47); 245 points
31. Grim (#40); 237 points
32. Fry [R] (#26); 224 points
33. Bender (#30); 203 points
34. The Warden (#32); 200 points
35. Hank Hill (#98); 197 points
36. Francine Smith (#36); 192 points
37. Katara (#38); 185 points
38. Aang (#34); 184 points
39. Kim Possible (#51); 183 points
40. Early Cuyler (#77); 181 points
41. Meatwad (#66); 178 points
42. Jake Long (#13); 160 points
43. Sokka (#35); 151 points

Cartoon Rookie of the Year standings;

1. Tommy Pickles (#22); 193 points
2. Wallabee Beatles (#4); 180 points
3. Kuki Sanban (#3); 168 points
4. Fry (#26); 134 points

Next race; Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Sonoma Raceway.