NCCS 3: STP 500

We've gone from short track to superspeedway, and now back to short track, to the only track from the original 1949 NASCAR season that is still on the circuit to this day - Martinsville Speedway! Based near Martinsville, VA, at only .526 miles long, this is the shortest track on the NASCAR circuit. The turns are banked at 12 degrees, and the straights are totally flat. Notable quirks about this track include the inside lanes of the turns being made of concrete, while the rest of the track is asphalt, and long straights, coupled by really tight turns, which give the track a distinctive paperclip shape to it. These factors all lead to challenges such as extreme stress on the cars' brakes, coupled by excessive bumping and grinding between the cars...

This race will be called the STP 500, and will be run over 500 laps, for a total distance of 263 miles.

Starting grid;

1. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
2. Eric Cartman (#14)
3. Frylock (#15)
4. Homer Simpson (#83)
5. Ben Tennyson (#10)
6. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
7. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
8. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
9. Beavis (#27)
10. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
11. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
12. Applejack (#18)
13. Peter Griffin (#23)
14. Timmy Turner (#17)
15. Master Shake (#55)
16. Nigel Uno (#1)
17. Stan Smith (#7)
18. Phineas Flynn (#43)
19. Rainbow Dash (#20)
20. Grim (#40)
21. Ed (#24)
22. Daria Morgendorffer (#31)
23. Dudley Puppy (#99)
24. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2)
25. Edd (#48)
26. Danny Phantom (#16)
27. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
28. Eddy (#88)
29. Ahsoka Tano (#42)
30. William Murderface (#47)
31. Sokka (#35)
32. Hank Hill (#98)
33. Kim Possible (#51)
34. Kenny McCormick (#41)
35. Aang (#34)
36. The Warden (#32)
37. Fry [R] (#26)
38. Early Cuyler (#77)
39. Katara (#38)
40. Meatwad (#66)
41. Francine Smith (#36)
42. Bender (#30)
43. Jake Long (#13)

Now tuning to FOX;

Joy: It was one of the very first tracks on the NASCAR circuit, and it's still here to this day, going as strong as ever. Known for its delicious hot dogs, grandfather clock trophy, and relentless trading of the paint, Martinsville Speedway is where we shall witness today's STP 500!

McReynolds: And the races here at Martinsville are crazy enough as it is with the live-action drivers; they do their own fair share of beating each other's cars up to high heaven. And of course, these cartoon characters have a penchant for getting away with things that live-action racing drivers can't, so who knows how badly they'll beat each other up here.

D.W: The only thing I'm worried about, guys, is the front row; Tommy Pickles and Eric Cartman - two mortal enemies both starting at the very front of the field, and at one of the roughest tracks on the circuit, no less! And who knows what other feuds may be stirred up before this whole affair is over and done with!

...

Track Announcer: And now, for those most famous words in motorsports, please welcome your grand marshall, one of the most legendary sentient racecars of all time, "The King," Strip Weathers!

The King: Ladies and gentletoons, y'all start your engines!

...

Before long, the pace car has pulled down into the pits, and right as the front-runners are going through turn 4, the green flag turns them all loose to slam each other as they so please.

D.W: BOOGITY, BOOGITY, BOOGITY! LET'S GO RACIN', YOU BUNCH O' CARTOON HOT DOGS!

Eric Cartman easily gets the jump on Tommy Pickles at the start, sneaking ahead of him on the outside through turns 1 & 2 to take the early lead.

Cartman: That fuckin' Jew will respect my authoritah!

Tommy: (cringing)

By lap 10, more bad luck befalls Tommy as Homer Simpson cuts inside of him going into turn 3; several other cars follow in a close line, keeping Tommy trapped on the outside line, resulting in him falling out of the top 10 by lap 19.

Dil: It's okay, T, it's still early. We'll catch up.

Tommy: 10-4, bro.

By lap 32, Eric Cartman finds his rearview mirror filled with the #83 of Homer Simpson. Cartman hugs the inside line of the track, determined to not give Homer any sort of opening that he could capitalize on...

While that goes on, on lap 38;

Tucker: Danny, what's happening?

Danny: Our brakes look like they're already shot. Dammit!

Sam: Fine; bring it in, and we'll take a look.

As Danny Phantom pulls into the pits, suspecting that his brakes may be going out, later, on lap 45, Homer is able to cut to the inside of Cartman going into turn 1 to take the lead.

Homer: WOO-HOO!

Cartman: Son of a bitch!

To make matters worse for Cartman, a line of cars forms up right behind Homer to follow him by; they keep Cartman trapped on the outside line, freight-training him on the inside until, by lap 57, he's fallen out of the top 10. As a further insult - Tommy Pickles is amongst those who passed him.

Cartman: Goddamn motherfuckin-

Kyle: Calm down, dude, it's still real early, and-

Cartman: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID JEW!

Now it is Frylock who is running 2nd behind the leader, Homer Simpson. With Homer having problems of his own, mainly involving dealing with lapped traffic, he is unable to gain any distance on Frylock - additionally, Ben Tennyson and Abigail Lincoln are gradually catching up to them both until lap 70, when it becomes a four-way battle for the lead.

Cree: Careful, sis; there are lapped cars galore up ahead.

Kevin: Looks like you'll have a hell of a time finding an opening, Ben...

But on lap 78, Ben easily slips past Frylock to take 2nd place, while Abigail remains stuck in traffic, and by lap 85 is right on Homer Simpson's bumper.

Bart: That's the alien kid, Dad. Watch out!

Meanwhile, on lap 94, Eric Cartman moves back up into the top 10.

Then, on lap 105;

McReynolds: We got a spin in turn 2!

Joy: Caution is out; the #42 of Ahsoka Tano has spun out in turn 2 - looks like she lost a left-rear tire.

Anakin: You're okay, Snips. Just bring it in and we'll fix you up.

Ahsoka: Yes, Master.

The caution flag flies on lap 105 as Ahsoka Tano's #42 Target Chevrolet blows a tire and spins out in turn 2. By sheer dumb luck, nobody else goes plowing into her, leaving her otherwise unharmed, and she is able to limp the car back around and into her pit stall for new tires, along with a new tank of gas.

Kim Possible's #51 BRANDT Chevrolet, running 1 lap down in 33rd gets the free pass.

Then all of the other cars go in for their first service stops of the race, with each car getting four tires and fuel. Of course, this particular pit road is extremely tight, making navigation rather difficult...

Joy: And Timmy Turner spins - he lands in his pit stall backwards!

Cosmo: Oh boy... hang tight, Timmy. We'll get you serviced.

Timmy: Uh, OK.

As he is going into his pit stall, Timmy Turner gets clipped by the exiting #31 of Daria Morgendorffer, sending him spinning around to land in his pit stall facing backwards. Nonetheless, the pit crew still manages to get him his tires and fuel and back out onto the track - albeit after everyone else has left.

Meanwhile, this will be the top 10 at the restart;

1. Homer Simpson (#83)
2. Ben Tennyson (#10)
3. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
4. Frylock (#15)
5. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
6. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
7. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
8. Peter Griffin (#23)
9. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
10. Eric Cartman (#14)

The race restarts on lap 115, with Ben Tennyson slipping past Homer Simpson through turns 1 & 2 to steal the lead.

Homer: D'OH!

Ben: Alright, it's hero time!

Kuki Sanban falls out of the top 10 on lap 128.

On lap 139, Eric Cartman moves back up to the top 5, flipping the bird to Tommy Pickles in the process.

Tommy: That son of a-!

Cartman: Dumb kike, heh heh heh!

Then on lap 150, Abigail Lincoln slips by Homer Simpson to take 2nd away. By now, Ben Tennyson is caught up in lapped traffic, so by lap 156, Abigail has caught Ben with ease. The lapped traffic, however, is leaving Abigail with no space to work with, keeping her trapped in her current position.

Abigail: Man, Numbuh 5 HATES these lapped cars!

Meanwhile, on lap 167, Tommy Pickles moves back up into the top 5.

Then on lap 179, Eric Cartman is back up into 3rd, and has caught up to Abigail and Ben by lap 185, ensuing a three-way battle for the lead.

Cartman: Move aside, bitches!

On lap 196, Cartman passes Abigail for 2nd. Then, on lap 210;

Joy: Caution! The #88 has lost its engine!

Eddy: What? NOW?!?

Rolf: (sigh) I'm afraid so, Ed-boy. We're finished.

On lap 211, Eddy's Diet Mountain Dew Chevrolet blows its engine, and so Eddy limps his broken racecar into the garage, withdrawing from the race in shame.

Sokka's #35 CSX Transportation Ford, running 1 lap down in 28th gets the free pass.

This time around, though the pits are still incredibly crowded, everyone manages to get their service without any mishaps this time, and so here will be the top 10 at the restart;

1. Ben Tennyson (#10)
2. Eric Cartman (#14)
3. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
4. Homer Simpson (#83)
5. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
6. Frylock (#15)
7. Beavis (#27)
8. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
9. Applejack (#18)
10. Master Shake (#55)

The race is restarted on lap 220, with Eric Cartman jumping into the lead ahead of Ben Tennyson.

Cartman: Suck it, bitch!

Meanwhile, Beavis, who's been freight-trained on the outside, falls well outside of the top 10 by lap 229.

As Cartman continues to lead, his nemesis, Tommy Pickles, advances to 3rd on lap 240, and reaches 2nd on lap 252.

Tommy: Alright, who's leading?

Dil: The #14.

Tommy: DAMN! Alright, time to give that ass a taste of his own medicine...

And sure enough, by lap 265, Tommy is crawling right up Cartman's tailpipe, and he has him right in his crosshairs.

Tommy: Let's show this bigot just what the Jewish people are capable of!

But by this point, the leaders are well within lapped traffic, and while many of them (those who aren't fighting to stay on the lead lap) are considerate enough to move to the outside, this has the side effect of keeping Tommy where he can't get around Cartman, which allows him to slip away bit by bit...

Meanwhile, on lap 279, Frylock drops out of the top 10.

Then, on lap 292;

Joy: Whoa, big pile-up in turn 4! Six cars involved; caution is out!

McReynolds: This is towards the back of the field; the #32, #36, #66, #77, #26 and #30 all look like they're in it.

Bender: Okay, whoever did this can bite my shiny metal ass...!

The first major crash of the race occurs on lap 292, taking out six cars total, including The Warden's #32 Federated Auto Parts Ford, Francine Smith's #36 Golden Corral Chevrolet, Meatwad's #66 NAPA Toyota, Early Cuyler's #77 Ultra Wheel Ford, Fry's #26 SMS Audio Toyota and Bender's #30 SMS Audio Toyota. All of these six cars are too heavily damaged to continue the race; they all get out unharmed, though Bender shoots his mouth off at the others and Early Cuyler pulls his shotgun, forcing track crews to break things up before they get too chaotic.

Meanwhile, Daria Morgendorffer's #31 Caterpillar Chevrolet, running 1 lap down in 24th gets the free pass.

Top 10 after pit stops;

1. Eric Cartman (#14)
2. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
3. Homer Simpson (#83)
4. Ben Tennyson (#10)
5. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
6. Applejack (#18)
7. Master Shake (#55)
8. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
9. Peter Griffin (#23)
10. Twilight Sparkle (#11)

The restart is done on lap 300, with Cartman jumping ahead to maintain the lead.

Homer Simpson then shoots up into 2nd place on lap 309; Tommy then falls back to 4th on lap 315, and eventually out of the top 5 on lap 326.

Tommy: I HATE it when they freight-train you like that!

Dil: I'm tellin' ya, T, it's not over yet...!

By lap 348, Homer Simpson has caught Eric Cartman.

Butters: Watch out, the #83's on your bumper.

Cartman: Fucker, don't you think I know that?!?

Cartman, however, puts up quite a fight to keep Homer in his rearview, hugging the inside line through the turns and not allowing Homer any of the space required to get underneath of him.

Homer: Why, this LITTLE...!

Homer has fallen back by lap 360, as Cartman shoots ahead, right into lapped traffic.

Cartman: Damn!

Then on lap 368, Tommy Pickles makes it back into the top 5; then up to 3rd on lap 377, and back up to 2nd on lap 385.

Tommy: That's it - I'm not letting that asshole win again!

But then, on lap 395;

Joy: Big trouble at pit entrance, as the #7 of Stan Smith has gone head-on into the end of the pit wall!

Stan: Alright, who did that?!?

Klaus: The #20, Stan.

Stan: I KNEW those ponies were no good...!

On lap 395, Stan Smith's #7 Pilot Flying J Chevrolet gets clipped by Rainbow Dash's #20 Husky Tools Toyota; Stan's car is subsequently shot straight into the end of the pit wall, destroying the front end of Stan's car, leaving it with no life left as Stan staggers out of the wreckage.

Phineas Flynn's #43 Smithfield Foods Ford, running 1 lap down in 22nd gets the free pass.

And so the cars still in the race go to the pits for their last pit stops of the race, with everyone taking on four fresh tires and a tank full of Sunoco race fuel. But on this last crucial set of pit stops, not everything goes according to plan;

Joy: Oh, and Tommy Pickles is busted for speeding on pit road exit! That'll be a pass-through penalty!

Tommy: What were you saying about it not being over, Dil?!? Whatever - I just hope SOMEONE beats that Cartman...!

With that, here will be the top 10 at the restart;

1. Eric Cartman (#14)
2. Homer Simpson (#83)
3. Ben Tennyson (#10)
4. Applejack (#18)
5. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
6. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
7. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
8. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
9. Master Shake (#55)
10. Frylock (#15)

The restart occurs on lap 405; Eric Cartman and Homer Simpson are side-by-side through the first two turns and beyond...

...it's not until lap 419 that Cartman manages to clear Homer to resolidify his lead.

Homer: D'OH!

Cartman: Heh heh heh...!

Applejack falls out of the top 5 on lap 430.

Meanwhile, Homer stays right on Cartman's tail, not giving him any room whatsoever with which to breathe. Then on lap 444, Homer gives Cartman a hard shunt going into turn 3; just hard enough to allow him to sneak inside of him through the turn, which propels him up into the lead.

Homer: WOO-HOO!

Cartman: GODDAMMIT!!!

Meanwhile, on lap 459, Twilight Sparkle falls out of the top 10.

As for Cartman, he is still as far as he could possibly be from quitting. He continues to stay right on top of Homer Simpson, and by lap 470, has the lead back.

Homer, of course, is still determined; he retakes the lead on lap 477, then it's Cartman on lap 485, then Homer on lap 491, then Cartman once more on lap 499.

Cartman: Fuck yeah, I'm gonna DO it!

And so the white flag flies on lap 500, with Eric Cartman in the lead and Homer Simpson on his rear bumper. Cartman holds the lead through turns 1 & 2 and the backstretch, but then Homer Simpson goes to the inside going into turn 3;

McReynolds: And it's Simpson! Simpson has it!

Cartman: Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!!!

Joy: Checkered flag; Homer Simpson wins the STP 500!

Homer: WOO-HOO!

Bart: Way to go, Dad!

Marge: I'm proud of you, Homey. (blows kiss)

With his last-lap power move, Homer Simpson wins the STP 500, while Eric Cartman settles for 2nd. Abigail Lincoln is 3rd, Ferb Fletcher finishes 4th, Spongebob SquarePants slips across the line in 5th, Ben Tennyson takes 6th, Twilight Sparkle gets 7th, Master Shake gets 8th, Frylock comes in 9th, and Applejack rounds out the top 10.

And with that, Homer pulls it into Victory Lane, where he stands, tall and proud, before the fans at Martinsville Speedway, before his wife Marge Simpson pulls him in for one big victory kiss...

STP 500 race results;

1. Homer Simpson (#83)
2. Eric Cartman (#14)
3. Abigail Lincoln (#5)
4. Ferb Fletcher (#9)
5. Spongebob SquarePants (#78)
6. Ben Tennyson (#10)
7. Twilight Sparkle (#11)
8. Master Shake (#55)
9. Frylock (#15)
10. Applejack (#18)
11. Peter Griffin (#23)
12. Beavis (#27)
13. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22)
14. Ed (#24)
15. Dudley Puppy (#99)
16. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3)
17. Nigel Uno (#1)
18. Timmy Turner (#17)
19. Phineas Flynn (#43)
20. Rainbow Dash (#20)
21. Ahsoka Tano (#42)
22. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4)
23. Daria Morgendorffer (#31) (1 lap down)
24. Edd (#48) (1 lap down)
25. William Murderface (#47) (1 lap down)
26. Aang (#34) (1 lap down)
27. Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2) (1 lap down)
28. Kenny McCormick (#41) (2 laps down)
29. Grim (#40) (2 laps down)
30. Kim Possible (#51) (2 laps down)
31. Katara (#38) (3 laps down)
32. Sokka (#35) (3 laps down)
33. Jake Long (#13) (4 laps down)
34. Hank Hill (#98) (5 laps down)
35. Stan Smith (#7) (DNF; accident)
36. The Warden (#32) (DNF; accident)
37. Fry [R] (#26) (DNF; accident)
38. Francine Smith (#36) (DNF; accident)
39. Bender (#30) (DNF; accident)
40. Early Cuyler (#77) (DNF; accident)
41. Meatwad (#66) (DNF; accident)
42. Eddy (#88) (DNF; engine)
43. Danny Phantom (#16) (DNF; brakes)

Point standings after 6 of 36 races;

1. Ahsoka Tano (#42); 205 points
2. Ed (#24); 196 points
3. Wallabee Beatles [R] (#4); 194 points
4. Edd (#48); 191 points
5. Homer Simpson (#83); 187 points
6. Dudley Puppy (#99); 186 points
7. Danny Phantom (#16); 183 points
8. Ferb Fletcher (#9)/Phineas Flynn (#43); 180 points
10. Eric Cartman (#14)/Daria Morgendorffer (#31)/Hoagie P. Gilligan (#2); 179 points
13. Abigail Lincoln (#5)/Ben Tennyson (#10); 177 points
15. Nigel Uno (#1); 176 points
16. Twilight Sparkle (#11); 173 points
17. Peter Griffin (#93); 172 points
18. Eddy (#88); 167 points
19. Master Shake (#55)/Frylock (#15); 163 points
21. Spongebob SquarePants (#78); 158 points
22. Rainbow Dash (#20); 157 points
23. Beavis (#27); 153 points
24. Applejack (#18); 150 points
25. Timmy Turner (#17); 149 points
26. Kuki Sanban [R] (#3); 142 points
27. Tommy Pickles [R] (#22); 134 points
28. Stan Smith (#7); 109 points
29. Aang (#35); 97 points
30. Grim (#40); 95 points
31. William Murderface (#47); 88 points
32. Kenny McCormick (#41); 82 points
33. Kim Possible (#51)/Fry [R] (#26); 80 points
35. Katara (#38); 79 points
36. The Warden (#32); 76 points
37. Hank Hill (#98); 63 points
38. Bender (#30); 54 points
39. Jake Long (#13); 50 points
40. Early Cuyler (#77); 48 points
41. Francine Smith (#36); 46 points
42. Sokka (#35); 40 points
43. Meatwad (#66); 39 points

Cartoon Rookie of the Year standings;

1. Wallabee Beatles (#4); 68 points
2. Tommy Pickles (#22); 62 points
3. Kuki Sanban (#3); 60 points
4. Fry (#26); 47 points

Next race: Duck Commander 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.