WLCQ 2: Week 25 - Memphis vs Houston

Week 25 Game of the Week; Memphis Mandrakes vs Houston Horcruxes.

Team rosters;

Memphis Mandrakes

Chaser: Ollie Pesto (#34)

Chaser: Andy Pesto (#44)

Chaser: Jimmy Pesto Jr. (#54)

Beater: Tina Belcher (#4)

Beater: Gene Belcher (#14)

Keeper: Linda Belcher [C] (#04)

Seeker: Louise Belcher (#24)

Coach: Bob Belcher

Houston Horcruxes

Chaser: Cuddles [C] (#3)

Chaser: Giggles (#7)

Chaser: Petunia (#16)

Beater: Lifty (#12)

Beater: Shifty (#19)

Keeper: Lumpy (#21)

Seeker: Splendid (#19)

Coach: Flippy

FOX?

(FOX NFL Theme)

Michaels: Last week was our last international game to be shown on FOX this regular season, in which the Monterrey Cadejos slaughtered the Vancouver Grindylows in home territory. This week, we're in Houston, Texas, which used to be a part of Mexico. With just three games to go in the regular season, we're at Reliant Stadium, the home of the Houston Horcruxes as they play host to the Memphis Mandrakes. Hello again, I'm Al Michaels, along with John Madden, Harry Potter, Ron Weaseley and Hermione Granger - thanks for having in for this match.

Madden: Honestly, Al, I don't even know why in the hell the network even chose to cover this game! Both of these teams are well out of playoff contention, they're both last place in their respective divisions - let's face it, they're both laughingstocks!

Harry: It's probably because these teams haven't been on the Game of the Week all year - maybe the network is trying to ensure that every team gets featured once, I don't know. That said, it's difficult to make a pick for this game - but for some reason, I think I'll go with Memphis.

Ron: I agree with totally, Harry. I mean, just look at the Horcruxes! They all look like stuffed animals you'd see in a little girl's closet or something! Seriously, I find it just sad that the 4th largest city in the United States is represented by these bloody jokers!

Hermione: Well, I think they're really cute. I just wish they didn't have to get killed in every game!

Michaels: You say that about everyone in this league, Hermione.

...

Tina: Aww, those Horcruxes are so cute! I wanna pet them!

Linda: Don't even think about it, Tina. They may be cute, but they are our opponents. Do onto them as you would do onto any other opposing team.

Gene: Yeah! We're gonna play so hard we'll make their heads spin right off their shoulders!

Louise: Oh, you got that right...!

...

The Bludgers are quickly released once the Mandrakes and the Horcruxes have assumed their positions. The Golden Snitch follows them up, and then they all fly out of sight. The Quaffle is then promptly taken by the referee to the center of the pitch, where it is then immediately tossed straight up into the air.

Michaels: The Quaffle is released, and it is on in Houston!

Jimmy Pesto has the best start of the Mandrakes' Chasers, but much to his surprise, Petunia beats him to the punch, gaining posession of the Quaffle for the Houston Horcruxes. Quickly, Jimmy and Andy Pesto Jr. chase after Petunia, but she ends up being too fast for either of them.

Jimmy: How the hell does that squirrel fly like that?

Andy: I don't know, maybe it's special effects, who cares?!

Petunia then just barely avoids a Bludger that was hit towards her head by Gene Belcher - she ducks underneath of it and then passes the Quaffle over to Giggles. Having gotten the Quaffle into the clear, Giggles passes into the Mandrakes' scoring area;

Michaels: Giggles shoots, but it's SAVED by Linda Belcher!

Linda: This ain't a sport for no pansy, sucker!

Madden: I don't get it. Giggles shot at the center hoop - which is exactly where Linda Belcher was! If you ask me, it almost looked as if Giggles didn't even want the Quaffle to go through!

Harry/Ron/Hermione: (shrug)

GAME BREAK

This Game Break takes place in Toulouse, France, where the Toulouse Sphinxes are hosting the Columbus Pixies. The score is 10-0, Columbus. Jeremy Belpois has the Quaffle for the Toulouse Sphinxes and is on a crash course to the Columbus goal when suddenly...

Cosmo: Imperio!

...

Cosmo uses the Imperius Curse on Jeremy Belpois, putting him under his complete control. Whilst under the influence of the curse, Jeremy turns around and heads towards his own team's goal. Catching Franz Hopper completely by surprise, Jeremy Belpois scores against his own team, tying the game at 10.

Odd: What the hell did you just do!

Ulrich: You're supposed to be shooting at the other goal, you retard!

Jeremy: I... I don't remember...

BACK TO HOUSTON

After successfully blocking Giggle's shot, Linda Belcher throws the Quaffle back into play - Jimmy Pesto now gains control of it for the Memphis Mandrakes. He spots a Bludger headed for him, but Tina Belcher takes care of it, whacking it in the opposite direction.

Even so, this prompts Jimmy to hand the Quaffle off to Ollie Pesto. However, Petunia is right on his tail, and closing fast. Not only that, but neither Jimmy nor Andy Jr. are close enough for Jimmy to pass the Quaffle to either of them. Luckily, Gene Belcher has taken notice - he sees a Bludger headed for him, and seizing the opportunity, he whacks it right towards Petunia...

Madden: WHOA, HE JUST KNOCKED HER HEAD CLEAN OFF!

Hermione: (vomits)

Harry: Seriously, Hermione, you need a stronger stomach.

Ron: Yeah, watching a match turn into a bloodbath is no fun with you puking everywhere!

The Bludger hits Petunia in the head with such force that it knocks it off, decapitating her. Blood erupts like a volcano from the stump where her head used to be as abscess oozes out of said stump. As her headless corpse collapses to the ground along with her broom, Ollie Pesto makes a beeline to the Horcruxes' goal;

Michaels: Ollie Pesto SCORES! 10-0, Memphis!

Ollie: Keep the change, ya filthy animals!

Madden: Yeah, he just shot right at Lumpy and it went through anyway - the only reason that I can think of is that Lumpy just had to been in a state of shock from his teammate having just been decapitated.

Harry/Ron/Hermione: ...

Ollie Pesto scores an easy goal, putting the Memphis Mandrakes up into a 10-0 lead. After regaining his wits about him, Lumpy inbounds the Quaffle back into play, where Cuddles comes up with it.

Gene Belcher beats a Bludger at Cuddles; he just narrowly dodges it as he passes the Quaffle to Giggles. As it just so happens, Giggles is out way ahead of Ollie, Andy and Jimmy Pesto, so it would seem as if Giggles is in the clear. However, Tina Belcher proves her wrong when she hits a Bludger right in his direction...

Madden: OH, AND HER MIDSECTION IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Hermione: (vomits)

Ron: Bloody hell, will somebody get a damn bucket in here, please?

Harry: Yeah, we're here to call a Quidditch game, not wallow around in puke!

The Bludger hits Giggles in the chest with such force that it goes right through her and back out through her back, leaving a huge hole that takes up a huge chunk of her torso. Blood, bone matter, marrow, and vital organs all leak out of her body as both it and the broom it is on go crashing to the ground with a thud.

Meanwhile, Andy Pesto picks up the loose Quaffle. Immediately, Lifty and Shifty do a Dopplebeater Defence move, with both hitting the same Bludger at the same time at Andy. However, the Bludger misses, and heads up heading towards the stands...

Michaels: Penalty whistle on the pitch!

Hermione: Bumphing on Houston - although if anyone should be penalized to the fullest extent of the Quidditch rulebook, it's Memphis! They've caused enough carnage, as it is!

Harry/Ron: Uhhh...

The Bludger's trajectory leads to the action being stopped by a penalty whistle. The referee's call;

Referee: Two penalties on the play. Bumphing on Houston, numbers 12 and 19. Two penalty shots for Memphis!

Lifty and Shifty both gets called for Bumphing, awarding two penalty shots to the Memphis Mandrakes. Andy Pesto, Jr. decides to take these shots;

Michaels: Andy Pesto scores, and it's 20-0 Memphis!

After the Quaffle goes through, Lumpy grudgingly tosses the Quaffle back to Andy, who, after taking some more time to read Lumpy and the goal, takes his second shot;

Michaels: Goal! 30-0, Memphis!

The Quaffle goes through once again, padding the Mandrakes' lead to 30-0 over the Houston Horcruxes. Shaking his head, Lumpy hands the Quaffle off to Cuddles.

Ollie Pesto then appears from Cuddles's 9-o'clock, charging hard. As Cuddles focuses on evading him, Jimmy Pesto comes from his 3-o'clock and wrenches the Quaffle right out of his arms, taking it back for Memphis.

Jimmy: (snickering)

As Jimmy takes it back to the Houston goal, Shifty gears up to hit a Bludger at him. But what he doesn't know is that while he is doing that, Gene Belcher has already hit the Bludger at him...

Madden: HEAD SHOT!

Michaels: And there goes his head!

Hermione: (vomits)

Harry/Ron: (facepalm)

The Bludger knocks Shifty's head right off of its shoulders, much like what happened to Petunia. Blood and abscess spurt from the stump as his headless body crashes to the ground below. Meanwhile, Jimmy Pesto has entered the Horcruxes' scoring area;

Michaels: Memphis scores again! They're up 40-0!

Jimmy: This is just too easy!

Madden: Houston's Seeker better act fast...

GAME BREAK

This Game Break takes place in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where the Philadelphia Thestrals are hosting the Tampa Bay Trolls. The score is tied at 60. Eddy and Wally Beetles are neck-and-neck, right on top of the Snitch, each trying to win the game for their respective teams. Wally then gets out his S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R. to try and take Eddy out, but before he can, he is suddenly blasted off of his broom by a Bludger to the head, courtesy of Rolf.

Wally: Oh, crud...! (thud)

Rolf: That's it. Crawl back to your homeland, the Land Down Under, the sphincter of the galaxy...!

Meanwhile, Eddy has just caught the Snitch, scoring for the Tampa Bay Trolls a 210-60 win over the Philadelphia Thestrals.

BACK TO HOUSTON

Michaels: Well speak of the devil - Louise Belcher and Splendid are both right on top of the Snitch, and look at those two duke it out!

Hermione: Splendid better catch this if he hopes to avenge his teammates!

Ron: I don't know - something tells me that he is about to suffer the same bloody fate, no pun intended.

Harry: Don't be so sure, Ron - Splendid really is splendid when it comes to sheer speed and dexterity... not that that's helped them win many games, of course, but still...

As Memphis goes up 40-0, their Seeker, Louise Belcher, is flying side-by-side against Houston's Seeker, Splendid. The two beat and bang on each other relentlessly, trying to knock each other out of the Snitch and hunt and win the game for themselves. However, neither of them make any progress with this, and the Snitch starts to pull away from them.

Hoping to turn things around for her team, Tina Belcher hits a Bludger towards the area where this confrontation is taking place, hoping to remove Splendid from the equation...

Louise: WHAT THE FUUUUU...! (thud)

Gene: You just hit Louise, you moron!

Tina: (gasp) Oh my God!

Michaels: Tina Belcher's just taken out her own teammate!

Madden: Whether it was bad aim or circumstance, I cannot say.

Harry: Doesn't matter, she just cost her own team the game, and now Houston has it in the bag.

Despite the Bludger being intended for Splendid, Louise Belcher ends up maneuvering into its trajectory and she ends up getting hit and being knocked off her broom, allowing Splendid to go after the Snitch unopposed.

Michaels: And this game is in the books! Splendid has the Snitch - Horcruxes win!

Horcruxes and their fans: (indistinct cheering)

Hermione: (sigh) Well at least the bloodshed is over.

Ron: Good, your comstant vomiting almost made me vomit!

Hermione: Honestly...!

Splendid catches the Snitch and the Houston Horcruxes defeat the Memphis Mandrakes, 150-40. As some of the Mandrakes hang their heads while others are yelling at Tina for inadvertently taking out their own Seeker, the crowd goes nuts and the Horcruxes themselves celebrate whilst taking away the bodies of their fallen teammates, anticipating their reincarnation for the next game...

Around the WLCQ;

Arizona Phoenixes - 220; Dallas Hippogriffs - 50

Birmingham War Pigs - 80; Oklahoma Orcs - 190

Charlotte Hallows - 30; Montreal Manticores - 170

Cleveland Cruciatus - 60; Kansas City Inferi - 220

Columbus Pixies - 240; Toulouse Sphinxes - 50

Denver Dementors - 190; Atlanta Owls - 30

Detroit Alicorns - 50; Osaka Oni - 250

Indiana Slughorns - 50; Paris Veela - 200

Kyoto Kappa - 20; New England Griffins - 150

Las Vegas Night Elves - 150; Richmond Werewolves - 0

Los Angeles Undead - 40; Milan Witchhunters - 220

Mexico City Chupacabras - 70; New Mexico Marauders - 190

Miami Goblins - 0; Chicago Fire Crabs - 200

Milwaukee Death Eaters - 80; Seattle Vampires - 160

Minnesota Wormtails - 180; Vancouver Grindylows - 20

Nashville Basilisks - 150; Monterrey Cadejos - 50

Nagoya Nue - 220; Orlando Black Magic - 30

New Orleans Nightwings - 230; Rome Fairies - 90

New York Dragons - 90; Great Valley Vipers - 160

San Francisco Seers - 250; Louisville Phantoms - 100

South Carolina Black Cocks - 40; London Chimeras - 160

St. Louis Serpents - 30; San Antonio Centaurs - 210

Tampa Bay Trolls - 210; Philadelphia Thestrals - 60

Tokyo Tengu - 70; Portland Parselmouths - 180

Utah Fiendfyre - 190; New Jersey Wyverns - 60

Washington Ministry - 50; Toronto Salamanders - 170

League Standings;

American Conference

East Division

New England Griffins (16-9)

Washington Ministry (13-12)

Cleveland Cruciatus (11-14)

Miami Goblins (10-15)

Richmond Werewolves (9-16)

North Division

Philadelphia Thestrals (15-10)

Columbus Pixies (13-12)

New Jersey Wyverns (13-12)

New York Dragons (11-14)

Indiana Slughorns (10-15)

South Division

Louisville Phantoms (14-11)

Birmingham War Pigs (13-12)

South Carolina Black Cocks (13-12)

Houston Horcruxes (10-15)

Nashville Basilisks (10-15)

West Division

Denver Dementors (14-11)

Los Angeles Undead (14-11)

New Mexico Marauders (13-12)

Seattle Vampires (13-12)

San Antonio Centaurs (11-14)

National Conference

East Division

Orlando Black Magic (16-9)

Dallas Hippogriffs (13-12)

Oklahoma Orcs (11-14)

St. Louis Serpents (11-14)

Minnesota Wormtails (10-15)

North Division

Chicago Fire Crabs (15-10)

Milwaukee Death Eaters (14-11)

Detroit Alicorns (13-12)

Great Valley Vipers (12-13)

Kansas City Inferi (12-13)

South Division

New Orleans Nightwings (15-10)

Tampa Bay Trolls (14-11)

Charlotte Hallows (11-14)

Atlanta Owls (10-15)

Memphis Mandrakes (10-15)

West Division

Portland Parselmouths (15-10)

Utah Fiendfyre (14-11)

San Francisco Seers (13-12)

Arizona Phoenixes (12-13)

Las Vegas Night Elves (10-15)

International Conference

Europe Division

London Chimeras (14-11)

Rome Fairies (13-12)

Toulouse Sphinxes (13-12)

Milan Witchhunters (12-13)

Paris Veela (10-15)

Japan Division

Kyoto Kappa (15-10)

Tokyo Tengu (15-10)

Osaka Oni (14-11)

Nagoya Nue (12-13)

North America Division

Mexico City Chupacabras (14-11)

Toronto Salamanders (14-11)

Monterrey Cadejos (11-14)

Montreal Manticores (11-14)

Vancouver Grindylows (9-16)

Tune back in for Week 26!